Many kids want to do well, but what happens when "doing well" turns into never feeling good enough? Perfectionism in children and teens can look like high achievement, but underneath, it often comes with anxiety, stress, and fear of failure. If your child struggles to handle mistakes, avoids challenges, or is overly critical of themselves, perfectionism may be playing a role.
This blog explores what perfectionism looks like in kids, what causes it, and—most importantly—how parents can help.
Signs of Perfectionism in Children:
Fear of making mistakes or struggle to handle constructive criticism.
Spend excessive time on schoolwork or hobbies, trying to make them "perfect". Often, this can look like redoing work until it is just right.
Avoid new or challenging tasks for fear of failure.
Seek constant reassurance from parents or teachers.
Become highly self-critical, often saying things like "I'm terrible at this" or "I'll never be good enough."
Have big emotional reactions (meltdowns, tears, or frustration) over small mistakes.
What Causes Perfectionism?
Perfectionism often develops from a mix of temperament, environment, and experiences. Some kids are naturally more anxious or driven, but external factors can reinforce these tendencies:
High Expectations: Kids may feel pressure from school, parents, or themselves to excel.
Social Comparison: Seeing "perfect" performances from peers or social media can increase self-doubt. Perfectionism can also emerge when there is a high level of comparison between siblings.
Fear of Disappointing Others: Some children believe their worth is tied to success.
School Culture: Competitive academic or extracurricular environments can reinforce a perfectionist mindset.
The Hidden Downsides of Perfectionism
While perfectionism may seem like a positive trait, it can often lead to:
Anxiety & Stress – Constant worry about meeting high standards.
Low Self-Esteem – Believing their worth depends on achievement.
Procrastination & Avoidance – Fear of failure can lead to avoiding tasks altogether.
Burnout & Frustration – Pushing too hard can lead to exhaustion and lack of enjoyment.
How Parents Can Help
Reframe Mistakes as Learning Opportunities
Instead of focusing on outcomes, help your child see mistakes as part of learning. Try saying: "Mistakes help our brain grow!" - "What did you learn from this?"
Praise Effort, Not Just Results
Instead of saying "You're so smart!" try: "I love how hard you worked on that." "I see you didn’t give up, even when it was tough!"
Model Self-Compassion
Children learn by watching you. When you make a mistake, show them how to handle it in a healthy way: "Oops, I forgot something! That’s okay, I’ll fix it and try again."
Help Set Realistic Goals
Encourage kids to aim for progress, not perfection. Help them break tasks into manageable steps and celebrate small wins.
Encourage Balance & Breaks
Perfectionistic kids may struggle to rest. Build downtime into their schedule, and emphasize that fun, relaxation, and imperfection are part of a healthy life.
Recognize When the Environment is the Issue
Sometimes, no amount of mindset shifts will change the fact that an environment is not the right fit for a child. If school expectations or extracurricular demands are fueling distress, it may be worth exploring alternative settings, reduced workloads, or additional accommodations.
When to Seek Support
If your child’s perfectionism is leading to significant anxiety, distress, or avoidance, therapy can help them build healthier coping strategies. A social worker or psychologist at WonderTree can support your child in challenging perfectionistic thoughts, managing stress, and building confidence.
We can help!
Our team at WonderTree provides support to caregivers and youth to build emotion regulation and coping strategies, understand their neurodivergent profile, and provide wraparound multidisciplinary care.
Book Recommendations
Ages 6-10
The Girl Who Never Made Mistakes – Mark Pett & Gary Rubinstein
Mistakes That Worked – Charlotte Foltz Jones
Beautiful Oops - Barney Saltzberg
The Dot - Peter H. Reynolds
The Most Magnificent Thing - Ashley Spires
The book of Mistakes - Corinna Luyken
Ages 11-14
What to Do When Good Enough Isn’t Good Enough – Thomas S. Greenspon
Perfectionism: What’s Bad About Being Too Good? – Miriam Adderholdt
Ages 16 +
The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control – Katherine Morgan Schafler
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IMPORTANT: Information shared by WonderTree is not intended to replace or be constituted as clinical or medical care. It’s intended for educational purposes only. Each child is unique, and the information provided may not be applicable to your specific situation. If you need support, please establish care with a licensed provider so that they can provide tailored recommendations for you or your child. This blog is non-monetized.
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